The #1 Gift You Can Give Your Child 

Child

Parenting is an all consuming job.

If you’re reading this then I’m willing to bet you’re a parent who takes that job seriously and tries to be the best parent you can be.

Being a Suzuki parent can be especially intense sometimes, because we’re asked to interact with our children so closely, to understand them well (when sometimes they do things no one can understand), and to help them play complicated instruments well.

Unless you also homeschool, this may the closest you work with your child on a daily basis.

Sometimes it’s not for the faint of heart.

Sometimes we need to take deep breaths and remind ourselves why we’re doing it.

And hopefully many times its also full of laughter, proud moments and exciting milestones that you helped your child arrive at.

As a grown up Suzuki kid myself –

I can tell you that all that intense interaction, when done in a healthy supportive way, creates a really close relationship between the student and practicing parent.

It teaches our children how to be goal setters and achievers.

It helps them learn to tackle other milestones coming their way.

In our culture

we tend to be in a hurry to teach independence. We want our kids to do it themselves as early as they can. We’re relieved when they can start to do things themselves.

And rightfully so!

But, I would challenge you

to keep engaging with your child as they practice.

When they’re a teenager they may shrug and say they don’t care if you listen to them or show up to their recital, but I realized with my own teens they really do care (they just may never tell us that). Even when they don’t “need” you to be there, your presence shows your support.

Long before those teen years as you practice with your child really be present with them. 

Put away cell phones, work and other distractions and give your child your full attention. It can be so hard to do this but there is really just a short window of time that your child wants and needs your full attention. Being fully present is the number one gift you can give them.

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“The greatest gift you can give your child is your presence.”

– Alice Joy Lewis

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I notice a big difference in families I work with who are really present in lessons 

I would bet they are equally engaged in practice sessions at home.

I see a high correlation between student progress and fully present parents.

Do they take more careful notes because they are so engaged in the lesson?

Maybe they have a better understanding of the way their child learns so they tailor what they are doing more closely to what their child needs?

They may have a different working relationship with their child because the child can see how engaged they are.

I don’t know the answer to why this is but I do see it in action in my studio all the time.

 

I recently came across a great article by Carrie Williams Howe, a mother working to be more present with her children and family (you can read it here). She admits that even though she knows the years go by fast and she should be more present with her children it is still a struggle.

She made a recommendation that I love which is to make a ritual out of connecting with your kids. Don’t just know you should do it, create habit or routine around it so it becomes more natural.

Her family made a ritual around the dinner table of no distractions and engaging with one another.

How can we do the same with practice?

Putting away work and devices and maybe making our favorite hot beverage can be a good start.

We can work to get into a routine, or habit that signals to our brain (and our children) that we are going to give our full attention to them our child and put other things aside for a few minutes.

Beginning with just 10 minutes of undivided attention to our children is a huge gift.

If your child is young and has short practice sessions this is a great time to start. You are really giving your child a huge gift when you can be there fully present with them. What do they need to enjoy learning? What do they need to begin to focus for longer stretches of time? What can you do to help them engage with the assignments from the teacher for the week?

What can you do so your child feels right there with them for those few minutes of practice and treasures the time alone with you?

Alice Joy Lewis goes on in her quote about being present to say: “It’s really a gift to you as well as your child. It’s a way of knowing someone that is pretty special. When parents are not distracted the opportunity for progress to occur is great.” 

It really is the #1 gift you can give your child!

All quotes are taken from Christine E Goodner’s book Beyond the Music Lesson: Habits of Successful Suzuki Families. Click here to claim your copy!

Beyond the Music Lesson Book Cover

3 Minutes a Day to Radically Change Your Practice Sessions

Last week on the blog I wrote about how parents (not the physical space) are their children’s practice environment. You can read the article by clicking HERE.

This week I am going to share the 3 minute process that can radically change how productive and positive your practice sessions with your child are. I consider these few valuable minutes to be the most important thing you can do that will set up your practice environment for success. This is a practice I developed with my own children and I go through it mentally before each student that I teach as well.

It is tempting to think this is an unnecessary step,that we don’t have time, or that we’ll just make it as we go and get the same results but that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Being intentional about how we run practice sessions as a parent sets our children up for success. It is 3 minutes a day (or less) that will save you hours of wasted time and save you tons of frustration.

I hope you’ll try it for a couple of weeks and let me know how it’s going!

Steps

1. Find a small notebook (your regular practice notebook works) or open a document on your phone to use on an ongoing basis.

2. Use the template below to jot down a few notes about the upcoming practice. You may choose to do this right before the practice session or right after a practice session for the next day (review the notes before you start the next practice).

3. Use your answers to the questions below to structure your practices, set the tone and stay focused on what is really important.

Practice Pre-planning Template

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Why Conferences with Teens Are So Important

Last Week’s Blog post discussed why every studio should hold Parent-Teacher Conferences – you can read the article HERE.

This week I want to address the importance of holding conferences with teens. In my studio I use part of a lesson each spring (this is happening in the next couple of weeks in my studio) to have a conference with each teen student on their own to honestly talk about how things are going, what they are enjoying and struggling with, and how I can be more helpful.

I have a questionnaire I send teens home with the week before our conference and ask them to fill it out very honestly (the more honest they are – the more useful the conference will be).

The day of the conference teens come alone to lessons (if they don’t already) and we talk through the questions on the sheet. I also like to share how I’ve seen the student improve over the year and what my next goals for them would be. Sometimes I also give them something to read or have some sort of information to hand out to them that I think addresses something I think they (or all the teens in the studio) need to think about.

Depending on the student this usually takes about 20 minutes of a lesson. It helps so much to have each student feel like they are on the same team with me, as their teacher. They are being listened to, their opinion is being heard, and hopefully they see that I want them to succeed.

Last year was the first year I tried this (in addition to meeting with parents of younger students) and I found it really helped the teens with ownership over what are trying to accomplish and it helped our working relationship each week because they knew I found their opinions to be important.

I also found out a lot about what motivates the teens I work with . . . certain community performances we do each year (like playing in the lobby before Oregon Symphony concerts) and certain types of music we play in group class, for a couple of examples.

Do you hold conferences with the teens in your studio? Does your teacher hold them?

Why Every Studio Needs Parent Teacher Conferences

For the past three years I have been doing parent teacher conferences in my studio. I had thought about doing this for years but kept putting it off.

Partly I was a little nervous about the process. I also didn’t know where to start. I wondered if the parents in my studio and find it valuable.

Then a few years ago I heard Alice Joy Lewis give a talk to teachers up in Ellensburg, Washington. During the talk she emphasized how valuable these conferences are to her and even shared a few resources with us to get us started. I believe a few of my colleagues and I left that day excited to start conferences in our studios.

A few months later I held my first round of conferences and I so wish I had started doing them earlier. I can’t say enough about how valuable they have been.

Here are a few ways they have helped in my studio:

Conferences get parents and teachers on the same page – by the end of each conference, if they are done well, we come away with a plan to help the student be more successful and it’s clear to both the parent and I that we are both working towards the best interest of the student. This lays the foundation for future conversations and emails throughout the year because we both trust each other to be working with the students success in mind. I have noticed far better (and more open) communication with parents all year long. 

Honest conversations can be had without the student present – without the student at the conference both parent and teacher can address any difficult issues that might hurt a child’s feelings or embarrass them and shouldn’t be brought up in the lesson. Sometimes I hear about a medical issue that the family is facing or a behavior issue that is going on at home or at school and affecting things. This information really helps me teach better with the whole child in mind – but often there isn’t any other time it would come up. [ side note: I do have conferences in person with my high school students – more on that next week]

We are able to talk through frustrations and big picture topics that there isn’t time for in a lesson – One example of this is that I want my families with students in late grade school to know that I recommend they find some sort of orchestra or chamber group for their student sometime in the middle school years. I have found students who have this type of peer group are far more likely to keep playing their instrument through the teen years. Bringing this up as something to keep in mind for the future has been a big topic at conferences so far this year.

Sometimes I find out I could be doing something better suited to a child’s style of learning or we can talk through ways to practice that fit with a student’s personality style. It’s a great time to have honest conversations and problem solve together. 

Goal setting for the coming months and year: I always like to hear what the parents goals are for their students over the next year and what goals the students have (if any). We also discuss any goals I have for the student over the next year. The first year I did conferences I got a lot of responses like “Oh, I’ve never thought of that before!” Having goals is a great way to stay focused throughout the year and I think this is an important piece for everyone involved. Now, three years later I notice everyone has a goal for their child – which is great!

How have you incorporated conferences into your studio? Or, How does your teacher do them?

If you don’t have them, I would suggest starting my making goals for the next year – you might be able to ask your teacher if they would be open to having a conference with you in place of a lesson.

I am happy to share the form I use for parent conferences if you are just getting started with this idea- just send me an email at Christine@SuzukiTriangle.com and I will send it off to you! I would love to hear from you if you get started with conferences in your studio . . . I think it’s an amazing way to positively impact the whole studio.

 

 

Ask More Questions

If practice is always a student playing something, an adult telling them what needs to be fixed and then student playing again and looking to the adult to tell them if it is good enough something is lacking.

Progress might be made but the student is not learning how to practice, how to self-analyze, or how to think critically.

Especially as students get older it is much more effective to ask questions than give the answers.

 

“How did that sound to you?”

“What do you think we should try to do better/improve?”

“Did you remember _______ (insert the teacher’s assignment/focus point here) for the whole song/section?”

“Did you think about what you were playing the whole time?”

“How do you think we should practice that?”

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What Every Parent Should Know About The Power of Words

It’s easy to point out mistakes and what is wrong. It’s easy to see when things aren’t good. It’s easy to talk about what is hard or get frustrated because we know our kids are capable of more.

But how do we turn things like this around and build on what is going well in order to make progress towards our goals  – especially when it seems there is a long way to go?

 

It’s important as parents (and teachers) to realize the powerful impact our words have.

We can point out the negative or we can look for the positive (no matter how small) and point that out instead.

It takes effort, it takes paying careful attention and it can be the thing that spurs our children on to try hard, see that they have the ability within them to work hard on something, and to keep from giving up. It’s human nature to do more of the thing we get compliments or praise for.
I have found that it is very powerful to say “I see this thing about you that is great – do that more!”
Instead of “That’s out of tune” you might say say
“You have a great ear – let’s use it to work on getting right in tune.”
Instead of “That doesn’t sound right” you might say
“You can make a beautiful sound, let’s work on doing that this time through.”
I have said such things to students and seen them stand a up little straighter and really work at something afterwards. Sometimes a single comment like this totally changes a student’s attitude.
Parenting can be hard, staying patient can be hard, waiting to see the payoff years from now from little things we are doing today can be hard. We so want what is best for our children and for them to work hard and to do well. The words we say when we’re coaching them through the hard spots or just the not-so-exciting day to day spots have a huge impact.
In my experience, what students and children need is less criticism and more adults pointing to the things they can do well, and encouraging them to strive for that.
I’m not talking about false and empty praise but someone saying “I see you – I see great things that you are capable of – let’s do this task with that in mind.”
When my oldest daughter was young I would get frustrated with her bossiness and her need to get her sister to do things her way. But, then she kept getting leadership awards in dance class and I started to look at it in a new light. She didn’t need me to point out when she was being bossy and tell her it was wrong, she needed me to teach her to consider the feelings of others and be a kind leader 🙂
We can look at many character qualities from two sides. We can point out the negative about certain qualities or we can see the potential in them when they are channeled productively.

I certainly don’t do this perfectly but I hope I choose the later most often and I hope my kids and students stand a little taller and feel a little more sense of purpose because of it. I hope you’ll join me in trying to do the same.

 

 

5 Ways to Help Your Child Enjoy The Process of Learning Music

This post is the last in a series about inspiring and motivating students through lessons and practice. You can read the other posts here: Overview, Seeing Progress & Feeling Capable.

Learning to enjoy the process is a critical part of helping our children and students stay motivated and inspired. Of any of the aspects of motivation we have discussed in this series, it has the most long-lasting effects on them as people and musicians. It is easy to get too focused on outcomes and results and kill the joy of learning in the process. Let’s find ways to help both students and ourselves (as teachers and parents) enjoy this process together!

 

If learning something new is a daunting and dreaded task then why would anyone want to keep doing it?

I often tell parents that games and rewards can be very useful for very young students until they start to see learning music (and enjoying that process) as the reward. How do we develop this in our children and students?

Below are 5 great ways to help students develop the ability to enjoy the process of learning music. I was inspired for this post by a great article on the website Parents.com (click here to read) . The points in the article really echo what I see in my teaching and I expanded on some of them to fit our experiences as Suzuki parents and teachers.

  1. Understand how your child learns  – Young students learn very differently from teens (or how we learn as adults). Within each age group there are variations in the style of learning that works best for each individual student as well.

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Confessions of a Suzuki Parent . . .

Confessions of a Suzuki parent

 

I’d like to sit behind my computer screen and present a perfect image of myself as a Suzuki teacher and parent. But I have to be honest – the reason I’m so passionate about writing on the topic of Suzuki parenting and trying to be help parents be successful is that I was far from perfect as a Suzuki parent.

I have read and learned everything I can on the subject to help the families I work with, because I could have really used that help myself.

I had my kids while I was in college so I was a younger mom. In fact, I was just starting out as a Suzuki teacher myself, when my oldest was four years old and we started the violin together . .  . the same instrument I happened to teach . Some people do this beautifully and if this is you, you have much respect from me – I know it works really well for some people. But, it did not work well for us.

I’m not sure there is a way to accurately describe the struggle between a very opinionated and headstrong four your old and a very inexperienced and idealistic mom/teacher.

We struggled!

There were some epic showdowns where you could practically see the standoff happening like in an old Western movie, with the tumbleweed rolling by, as we sat in suspense about who would win the battle of wills this time. I so wanted to do it “just right” and she so wanted to avoid how hard it felt and most likely the pressure she felt from me.

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